Smart by Design
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My favorite things about smart
They stick it to the oil companies...
About Me
I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. I am a dynamic figure, often seen making beautiful music while scaling walls. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas in Pig Latin. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row while making reproductions of paintings from Vincent van Gogh on Depends underwear.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in only twenty minutes. Using only a hoe and a large glass of cold water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

I play bluegrass cello, I have been scouted by the Mets, and I am the subject of numerous scratch-and-sniff documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard out of cotton balls. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, I repair electrical appliances free of charge for the needy.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critic’s worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes to grand openings of post office parking lots. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. I can make love to a woman for 8 hours straight, and not come up for air. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair made out of M&Ms. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.

On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life, but my pen ran out of ink as I was writing it down. I have played Hamlet to great critical acclaim. I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis twice since his death. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I breed prize winning clams in Butterscotch Jello. I hold patents for vitamin water purification made out of old shoes. I taught my cat to speak English but he got into an argument with my parrot. I redesigned my widescreen TV so that Judge Judy looks like Angelina Jolie.

But I have yet to get my Smart car.

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At 10:24pm on August 16, 2008, toes said…
Are you "the stig"? :-)
At 7:45pm on July 27, 2008, angel said…
I love the "About me" that you have on your profile page at the moment. Wish I could write that well. Great sense of humor.
At 3:28pm on July 25, 2008, Ron M said…
You mentioned in a previous post that there were two oil filters for the smart that met specs--Mobil 1 and one other. I would greatly appreciate it if you could give me the part numbers on these. Thanks much.

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